Dr. Steve Dennis quotes from the book, Punished by Rewards, written by Alfie Kohn, states, “Bribes don’t effectively motivate children in the long run.  They buy temporary compliance, but do little to change the heart or long-term interest in the enterprise for which the reward has been given”.  So what works to motivate our children?  Dr. Dennis continues by saying, “our goal as parents is to help our children develop enduring interests and behaviors that will open the windows of heaven in their behalf.  Actively teaching, modeling, and cultivating a love for the internal and authentic reasons for acting will help children become agents unto themselves”.

According to the article in JSTOR DAILY, Joanna Pocock states, “Although most parents and educators agree that some praise, or, more precisely, ‘positive encouragement,’ is critical to developing children’s self-esteem, the keys are to limit it, to keep it focused, and to be honest with it. If we applaud everything our children do simply because they have done it, then we are teaching them that mere existence is enough.”

 In conclusion, she said, “It is up to us to see that the children in our midst are presented with the mess of reality, with their failures as well as successes, with joy as much as disappointment. We owe them more than plastic gold medals for participation: We owe them the ability to confront complexity. It is our honesty—and not our distracted “wows”—that will provide our children with the skills needed to live in the real world, the one that lies beyond the bubble of constant praise.

References:

Dennis, S. (n.d.) What’s the Problem with Bribes? Retrieved from: https://byui.instructure.com/courses/61834/assignments/2017781?module_item_id=5641052 on 09/01/2019.

Pocock, J. (February 22, 2017). Are We Spoiling Our Kids with Too Much Praise? JSTOR DAILY. Retrieved from: https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise/ on 09/01/2019.

Sweatt, L. (November 3, 2016). 17 Motivational Quotes to Inspire You to Be Successful. Success. Retrieved from: https://www.success.com/17-motivational-quotes-to-inspire-you-to-be-successful/ on 09/01/2019.

In our study this week, James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olson (2005) said, “One of the great joys of growing older can be witnessing a child find a husband or wife and helping the couple create a strong marital identity.”  This really stood out to me.  My husband and I are at this stage in our life.  Our youngest child just met her sweet husband and they were married two years ago.  It is so fun to watch them start on their path in life, as they create their own family.  They had to set their family goals, and create a family budget and decide the type of home they wanted to start out with.  They had to decide whether to rent an expensive place that was very nice, or to get by with something much cheaper and much more practical even if they had to drive a further distance to get to school.  Then they had to decide when they should start having their children.  Harper and Olson, (2005) continue by saying, “Parents give their children two things:  roots to grow, and wings to fly” (p.2).  I love this analogy, because it kind of paints a picture.  Marriage roots will grow deep, and the young couple will learn to rely on each other.  It is time for parents and in-laws to let go and let the young couple soar through life and learn to rely on each other.  There will be challenges along the way, but it is important for them to learn how to resolve them together and not depend on parents or in-laws to rescue them on every occasion.

Young newlyweds need time to adjust being together and learn to make decisions together. They will find ways to show their love and appreciation for each other. Harper and Olson (2005) also suggest that, “the husband needs to realize that strengthening his marriage and making certain that his wife feels secure with him is the biggest single thing he can do to help his wife and his mother develop a quality relationship” (p.2).  While watching my children make these adjustments early in their marriage, I have wanted to reach out and help them or give them some advice that will save them from some mistakes, but I have had to hold back and let them discover for themselves what works and what does not work.  Harper and Olson, (2005) tell us, “strong marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married, and by what parents and siblings on both sides do to help support them” (p.5).  As parents, we are not abandoning our children, but we are giving them space and to grow and to cleave together as husband and wife.

References:

Harper, J. M. and Olson S.F. (2005). “Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families.” In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family:  A Proclamtion to the World” (pp. 2,5). Salt Lake City, UT:  Deseret Bok Company.

One idea that really stuck out in my mind from Richard Miller’s (2008) talk was the need for parents to “support each other”.  As parents work together as “one,” they are learning to create a home that is filled with “love and respect”.  I can speak from experience, that there will be times when you, as parents, will disagree on something.  You will need to find a way to work together to solve a problem without letting the problem become a wedge between you.  Miller (2008) quoted Marion G. Romney by saying, parents “should be one in harmony, respect, and mutual consideration. Neither should plan or follow an independent course of action. They should consult, pray, and decide together…Remember that neither the wife nor the husband is the slave of the other. Husbands and wives are equal partners”.   By praying and deciding together, you will put power in your relationship.  When your marriage is strong there will be no way that children can come and try to take sides with one of the parents to form a coalition against the other.

Counsel Together

It is important to me that my husband holds the priesthood and presides over the family.  As a wife, I also bring distinct and unique qualities into the marriage and together we have the opportunity to counsel together often. It is here that we can learn from each other and strengthen each other.  By counseling together we can listen to each other and find the best possible solution for our family.  We can also receive inspiration for our family and be able to set rules or expectations that we expect our children to follow.  We want our home to be a place where the spirit can dwell and a place where love is always present.  Henry B. Eyring, (1998) tells us, “Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony”.

References:

Eyring, H. B (May, 1998). That We May Be One. Ensign. (p. 66).

Miller, Richard. (2008, March 28). Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families. BYU Conference on Family Life. (p.4).

“It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”- President Spencer W. Kimball, Intimacy in Marriage and The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 311

I really enjoyed reading the article by Sean E. Brotherson (2003) who states, “Marriage is the school of love, and it is certain that a committed, caring marriage relationship is absolutely the best environment to learn the intricacies of sexual expression and intimacy.  But it is also important to understand that it is okay, as Latter-day Saints, to ask such questions and to seek meaningful answers.”  When I got married, I had very little knowledge in the area of physical intimacy, or what to expect when I was married.  I did not have any talks with my parents on this subject.  Like Brotherson explained in this article, I was told to keep myself clean and pure, and wait until I was married, but then what?  I fell into the category of ignorance; I was totally unprepared for the next step.  Luckily, as husband and wife, we grew close to each other.  We learned through trial and error what it felt like to be intimate.  We slowly learned ways we could drop hints to each other.   Brotherson continues, “The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of.  It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose….We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage.  There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.”  This has great meaning to me, because as a couple we have learned together and treated each other with love and respect.  We took things slow and didn’t push each other when we were not ready.  This has taken time to complete our understanding and not something that happened instantly.

Brotherson (2003) continues, “We are counseled to return to the temple often after we have received our personal temple blessings. To give of ourselves in service to others and be reminded of the great and powerful meanings of the standards that we have committed ourselves to live.  Likewise, in our marital lives, a frequent return as a couple to the union of sexual intimacy makes it possible to give of ourselves in service to each other and be reminded of the commitment we have made to unity and fidelity and love to our marital companion.  What a powerful blessing this can be to a marriage relationship!”  I love the symbolism here with the body, a temple, intimacy and the promised blessing one receives when they live their life the very best they can.  This is the foundation upon which strong families are built when husband and wife come together as one.  The necessity of complete fidelity with both husband and wife is crucial.  When couples are able to have good communication it helps to break the ice and then they can discuss how they are feeling and maybe ways that they can strengthen or help one another.  Howard W. Hunter (1994) said, “Tenderness and respect-never selfishness-must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife.”  I love this counsel from a prophet of God about the reminder of the way we should always treat our spouse.

References:

Brotherson, S.E. (2003) Fullfuilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage. Retrieved from: https://byui.instructure.com/courses/50274/pages/w11-study?module_item_id=4004838

Hunter, H. W. (1994) Being a Righteous Husband and Father. Ensign. 51.

What is a gridlock in marriage?  John M. Gottman and Nan Silver explain, “that when partners can’t find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements, the result is gridlock.” Basically this means the partners cannot come to an agreement about a particular issue.  Often it stems from not knowing some dreams, hopes or wishes their spouse has. Gottman and Nan also tell us, “A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions.”  This will require good communication and listening skills and learning to turn towards each other. In in our married life, we have had the opportunity to move many, many times.  This is not something that I look forward to, because I know that I will have to make new friends, get my kids into a new school, and the whole process of packing, cleaning and organizing.  I remember one particular time when we were offered to move into military housing.  I had just had our fourth baby, and we were called for housing.  We moved 6 days later into our new house. Let’s just say, I was determined that we could not move at this time.  My husband was adamant that we would move, and he and my oldest son, who was 8, would do it all by themselves.  End result, we did move.  The move went smoothly, except my husband did have to ask for some assistance. A friend came and helped move the couch. It was important that we both had to make a compromise, and that everything worked out so well. I had to let others serve me, and my husband had to learn to that he could not be super hero and do it all himself.  He too had to compromise.  We did come together and appreciated all that each spouse was able to do to contribute to the problem. H. Wallace Goddard (2009) tells us, “We choose to see each other the way ordinary mortals see each other, or we choose to see each other the way Jesus sees us. That is charity, the mind of Christ.”

Marital Poop Detector

Gottman and Silver suggest that “every marriage ought to be equipped with a built-in early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy.”  They continue by saying, that “it’s a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right!”  Every couple will experience this.  We are mortals and have weaknesses.  Our goal is to do something about it.  If we remember to invite Christ to be a part of our lives, we can have that divine help.  When couples experience conflict, Goddard (2009) states, “marriages do not need divorce but need only more charity in order to flourish. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the cure for the common marital complaint.”

Life is a Journey

Like all challenges, you must take a leap of faith in your marriage.  As you work to put two lives together, and become one, you will come to find obstacles in your way.  The way you respond to these obstacles will reflect your true character.  As you do this, you see that you may need to make some changes.  Sometimes change is hard to accept.  Goddard (2009) tells us, “Marriage is God’s finishing school for the godly soul. Marriage is ordained to stretch and refine us.” We may think that we have the perfect marriage on our wedding day, but over time, we can build on our marriage and add to our relationship. Just a simple kiss good-bye or a reminder of I love you and a kiss as they come home from work is a way to show we care about them.  Gottman and Silver (2015) remind us that “working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club.”

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Retrieved from:   https://content.byui.edu/file/821fd904-e409-49a9-b078-7fff99c33387/1/Drawing%20Heaven%20into%20Your%20Marriage.pdfLinks to an external site.

Gottman, J. M. and Silver, N. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. (2^nd ed.) . New York: Harmony Books.

is all about loving and serving our spouse.    From the day we were married, we fell into the traditional kind of marriage.  My husband worked to provide and support our growing family.  I was a stay at home mom, who wore many different hats at various times during the day.  At one moment, I was a cook to make dinner for my family, then a taxi driver, as I drove each child to their different activities, then a referee, when arguments would arise between the kids, a maid when it was time to clean the house, and a teacher when my kids needed help with their homework or on Sunday to fulfill my church responsibilities.  Usually the jobs inside of the house were all mine, and the jobs outside of the house were his. In any event, we worked together and raised our kids in the gospel and did the best we could.  I have always tried to go out of my way to serve and love and support my husband no matter what he was doing, or what he was involved in.  While the kids were young, he worked full time and did night classes to get his master’s degree.  Now, many years later, our lives have changed yet again. Now I am going to school and working, and he is working and helping do many of the household jobs that I once did all the time.   To me this is selfless love.  He doesn’t complain, but goes forward and serves and supports me in this new adventure of school to finish my Bachelor’s degree.

H. Wallace Goddard (2009), stated, “Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration. Just as Isaac was willing to give his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, so we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls.” 

  Does this mean we have the perfect marriage?  

Unfortunately, no, we do not have the perfect marriage.   We still have trials or challenges.  We have just learned how to respond to and help one another.  John M. Gottman and Nan Silver (2015) tells us, “when a husband and wife respect each other and are open to each other’s point of view, they have a good basis for resolving any differences that arise.” If we can learn to listen and communicate our true feelings back, without using harsh words or tones, we can learn to appreciate each other more.  Goddard also, makes this comment, “I suspect that God designed consecration to move us from peevish, self-serving humanness to sweet, redemptive godliness.” We are in this relationship for a reason.  We fell in love with our spouse and wanted to be with each other for eternity.  I love how Goddard asks, “Are you willing to invest your whole soul in the hope that you will gain eternal joy.”

Consecration is a Covenant

Goddard said, “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve. We become more grateful. Rather than wondering if this marriage is a good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace that we may love and serve as Jesus served-without thought of reward.”  If we humble ourselves to give our very best, we will be blessed beyond measure.

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. (p 99-112)  Retrieved from:   https://content.byui.edu/file/821fd904-e409-49a9-b078-7fff99c33387/1/Drawing%20Heaven%20into%20Your%20Marriage.pdf

Gottman, J. M. and Silver, N. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. (2^nd ed.) (p 160). New York: Harmony Books.

Our Battle with Pride

        Pride seems to come into our life even though we don’t invite it.   Let me try to explain.  I have been married for almost 33 years.  For the first 18 years, I was a stay at home mom.  I had five children pretty close together, so I felt it was important to devote my time to raising our children, loving and nurturing them and helping them get a solid education.  In addition, I also did childcare in our home to try to help supplement our income.  After many years, it started to get old, I needed a change.  When all of our children were in school, I decided to go back to work.  I easily transitioned to my new surroundings.  I worked my way up in the business quickly, where more responsibilities were put on my shoulders.  I ended up spending more and more time outside of the home to do this.  My husband was trying to help with the work load that just wasn’t getting done at home.  Slowly we started to have arguments and I could feel contention entering into our marriage, and into our home.  Ezra Taft Benson (1989) tells us, “Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away.” As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I knew that I had to do something.  I didn’t really want to.  I loved receiving praise from doing a good job at work, and I loved the bonus money that came with it.  Lucky for me, I was able to see the problem before it got out of control and I quickly made some changes.

Pride Affects our Relationships

            Benson (1989) continues to warn us, “Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.” Because I could feel the contention in my home, I knew I needed to act immediately.  I cherish my marriage and family more than anything.  I am grateful that I was able to see my problems. I began to pray to get direction in my life and immediately, the scripture from Mosiah 3:19 came to mind.  It states, “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”  In this case, I was like the natural man.  I learned to repent and submit to my Heavenly Father.  I asked for forgiveness.  I wanted to be filled with the Holy Ghost again.  I wanted a home filled with love and happiness.

The Change for Good

            In our text, H. Wallace Goddard (2009) says, repentance “denotes a change of mind, i.e., a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world.  Since we are born into conditions of mortality, repentance comes to mean a turning of the heart and will to God; and a renunciation of sin to which we are naturally inclined.”  I had learned the hard way, that money doesn’t mean everything.  Yes, it would have been nice to continue as we were financially, but it wasn’t worth the price I would have to pay for my soul, and with my marriage and my family.  I need to have the Holy Ghost to be with me constantly. 

The Good We Can Do

            With more time on my hands, and while the kids were in school, I would find myself in the temple.  This took some effort because of the distance and time it took to get there, but I was able to nourish my soul and truly feel at peace.  I began to invite friends and or my husband to come along with me when they could.  The drive was more enjoyable when we were able to sit and talk and enjoy one another’s company the whole way.  Benson (1989), said, “think how temple work would increase if the time spent in this godly service were more important than the many prideful pursuits that compete for our time.” This really was a turning point in my life.  I developed a great love for the temple and the things that I learned there.  I loved how I felt by going to the temple regularly.  Now, I have the opportunity be a temple worker and I absolutely love it!  I am grateful for trials and challenges that came my way many years ago, and for the turning point that directed me to the temple.  

References:

Benson, E. T. (1 April 1989) Beware of Pride. Retrieved from:  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. (p 59) Retrieved from https://content.byui.edu/file/821fd904-e409-49a9-b078-7fff99c33387/1/Drawing%20Heaven%20into%20Your%20Marriage.pdf (Links to an external site.)

Mosiah 3:19

I recently saw this short video and wanted to share it I absolutely love the message here.

Husband and Wife Staying Emotionally Connected

What does it really mean to turn toward one another?  John M. Gottman (2015), tells us it is “building mutual trust.”  This sounds simple.  How well do you know your spouse?  What does he/or she enjoy doing?  What are some ways you can help them to achieve their best self?  Are we aware of what our spouse is going through?  What small acts of kindness can we do to help them?  In my marriage, my husband and I have just become “empty nesters.”  At first this seemed like a dream come true! We would finally have time to spend together.  But, now that we have moved so far away from family. There are times when it is too quiet around the house, and I miss all the hustle and bustle and chaos that is associated with big family functions or when all of our children and grandchildren come over.  We had to learn to dig deep and find things that we both enjoy doing together.  My husband loves to go sailing.  He recently went out to get his license, so now we can go out in the harbor and sail.  At first I was kind of nervous.  I had to really trust him that he could handle the boat properly. Now we can just relax and watch for dolphins, turtles, and whatever else might come our way.  I enjoy just going to the beach and just sitting and watching the waves come in.  Of course I have to go play in the water too, but this is very relaxing to me.  My husband doesn’t enjoy it as much, but he goes with me so that we can spend time together.   If we pay attention to the way our spouse responds to things when we are together, we will be in tune with each other and be able to pick up on the subtle hints that are given. Gottman (2015) refers to these as “bids for each other’s attention or support.”  If you are too busy, and in your own world, you will really miss out.  We are here on earth to help build each other up and to become better. In D&C 64:33 it states, “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”  It doesn’t take much to enhance your relationship, it only requires a willing heart and a desire to improve.

How can Faith in Christ strengthen a marriage?

                Marriage is the union of two imperfect people who are coming together, to overcome personal challenges and trials.  H. Wallace Goddard (2009) says, “As we turn from the ways of the natural man to the ways of Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness.” This week I had the opportunity to learn ways to be aware of my spouse and to learn to appreciate the things he does for me.  It is always nice to receive small gestures or random acts of kindness.   I think it is equally as import to turn towards each other and to send our love and appreciation or give compliments back!   We can always pray for each other as we try to become the people God wants us to become.   Instead of trying to change my spouse, I need to try to look at my own life and see how I might make improvements.  Goddard (2009), quotes President Ezra Taft Benson by saying, “when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives.”  I know if we have faith in Christ, our marriage will be built on a firm foundation. A foundation that will be able to shield us from the adversary and temptations of the world.

References:

Doctrine & Covenants 64:33

Goddard, H. Wallace. (2009) Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 57. Retrieved from https://content.byui.edu/file/821fd904-e409-49a9-b078-7fff99c33387/1/Drawing%20Heaven%20into%20Your%20Marriage.pdf

Gottman, John M. and Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Published in the United States by Harmony Books.