What is a gridlock in marriage? John M. Gottman and Nan Silver explain, “that when partners can’t find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements, the result is gridlock.” Basically this means the partners cannot come to an agreement about a particular issue. Often it stems from not knowing some dreams, hopes or wishes their spouse has. Gottman and Nan also tell us, “A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions.” This will require good communication and listening skills and learning to turn towards each other. In in our married life, we have had the opportunity to move many, many times. This is not something that I look forward to, because I know that I will have to make new friends, get my kids into a new school, and the whole process of packing, cleaning and organizing. I remember one particular time when we were offered to move into military housing. I had just had our fourth baby, and we were called for housing. We moved 6 days later into our new house. Let’s just say, I was determined that we could not move at this time. My husband was adamant that we would move, and he and my oldest son, who was 8, would do it all by themselves. End result, we did move. The move went smoothly, except my husband did have to ask for some assistance. A friend came and helped move the couch. It was important that we both had to make a compromise, and that everything worked out so well. I had to let others serve me, and my husband had to learn to that he could not be super hero and do it all himself. He too had to compromise. We did come together and appreciated all that each spouse was able to do to contribute to the problem. H. Wallace Goddard (2009) tells us, “We choose to see each other the way ordinary mortals see each other, or we choose to see each other the way Jesus sees us. That is charity, the mind of Christ.”
Marital Poop Detector
Gottman and Silver suggest that “every marriage ought to be equipped with a built-in early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy.” They continue by saying, that “it’s a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right!” Every couple will experience this. We are mortals and have weaknesses. Our goal is to do something about it. If we remember to invite Christ to be a part of our lives, we can have that divine help. When couples experience conflict, Goddard (2009) states, “marriages do not need divorce but need only more charity in order to flourish. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the cure for the common marital complaint.”
Life is a Journey
Like all challenges, you must take a leap of faith in your marriage. As you work to put two lives together, and become one, you will come to find obstacles in your way. The way you respond to these obstacles will reflect your true character. As you do this, you see that you may need to make some changes. Sometimes change is hard to accept. Goddard (2009) tells us, “Marriage is God’s finishing school for the godly soul. Marriage is ordained to stretch and refine us.” We may think that we have the perfect marriage on our wedding day, but over time, we can build on our marriage and add to our relationship. Just a simple kiss good-bye or a reminder of I love you and a kiss as they come home from work is a way to show we care about them. Gottman and Silver (2015) remind us that “working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club.”
References:
Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Retrieved from: https://content.byui.edu/file/821fd904-e409-49a9-b078-7fff99c33387/1/Drawing%20Heaven%20into%20Your%20Marriage.pdfLinks to an external site.
Gottman, J. M. and Silver, N. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. (2nd ed.) . New York: Harmony Books.
Up, Up and Beyond 