Wings to Fly

In our study this week, James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olson (2005) said, “One of the great joys of growing older can be witnessing a child find a husband or wife and helping the couple create a strong marital identity.”  This really stood out to me.  My husband and I are at this stage in our life.  Our youngest child just met her sweet husband and they were married two years ago.  It is so fun to watch them start on their path in life, as they create their own family.  They had to set their family goals, and create a family budget and decide the type of home they wanted to start out with.  They had to decide whether to rent an expensive place that was very nice, or to get by with something much cheaper and much more practical even if they had to drive a further distance to get to school.  Then they had to decide when they should start having their children.  Harper and Olson, (2005) continue by saying, “Parents give their children two things:  roots to grow, and wings to fly” (p.2).  I love this analogy, because it kind of paints a picture.  Marriage roots will grow deep, and the young couple will learn to rely on each other.  It is time for parents and in-laws to let go and let the young couple soar through life and learn to rely on each other.  There will be challenges along the way, but it is important for them to learn how to resolve them together and not depend on parents or in-laws to rescue them on every occasion.

Young newlyweds need time to adjust being together and learn to make decisions together. They will find ways to show their love and appreciation for each other. Harper and Olson (2005) also suggest that, “the husband needs to realize that strengthening his marriage and making certain that his wife feels secure with him is the biggest single thing he can do to help his wife and his mother develop a quality relationship” (p.2).  While watching my children make these adjustments early in their marriage, I have wanted to reach out and help them or give them some advice that will save them from some mistakes, but I have had to hold back and let them discover for themselves what works and what does not work.  Harper and Olson, (2005) tell us, “strong marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married, and by what parents and siblings on both sides do to help support them” (p.5).  As parents, we are not abandoning our children, but we are giving them space and to grow and to cleave together as husband and wife.

References:

Harper, J. M. and Olson S.F. (2005). “Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families.” In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family:  A Proclamtion to the World” (pp. 2,5). Salt Lake City, UT:  Deseret Bok Company.