Love

What do I need to do to make my marriage successful?  I love my husband, is that enough to be successful?  Loving your spouse is a good start, but it is important to nurture that love every day.  Once you make that commitment in marriage you promise to love and support each other in good times and in bad times. Just like anything else, marriage takes work.  Dr. John Gottman tells us, “The importance of trust and commitment to success in love seems so self-evident that you might assume that studying these qualities scientifically would be of little added benefit.”[1] However, we learn otherwise.

Fondness, Admiration and Friendship

 Gottman continues to teach us that “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.”[1] I immediately went to my dictionary to find the meaning of these words.  Fondness is described as “a warm expression of liking” and admiration is “a feeling of pleasure, wonder, and approval.”[2] Together these qualities exhibit the kind of love between couples that is necessary when building a strong foundation in a marriage. Not long after being married, we moved far away from family.  My husband started his career in the military.  This military lifestyle was completely foreign to me.  When trials came our way, it was hard to go to Mom for advice or help. Instead we learned to turn to each other.  It was important for us to remember the covenants that we made when we were married.  Many times we turned to prayer and invited Heavenly Father to guide and direct us.  As a result, we learned to have faith in each other and to cultivate the fondness and admiration that we had for one another.  After we first met, we became friends who enjoyed spending time together.  Eventually that friendship grew deeper and turned into love. In order to cultivate that love it is important to remember to show our appreciation for each other.  Gordon B. Hinckley says, “I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another.”[3] I have also learned that by working together to make our marriage relationship stronger, we could do hard things.

Love Map

 When husband and wife come together in marriage, they bring qualities into their home that they learned from their parents.  Some of these qualities may be helpful and constructive, and provide a happy atmosphere, while some qualities may bring negative and discouraging influences that bring a contenuous or disruptive behavior into the home.  Because of this, it is vital that we learn to enhance our relationships.  To do this, we can build a “love map.”  This “love map” will help you to really know and understand each other. In building this “love map” you remember the qualities of your spouse that you fell in love with and you build upon them.  This can be accomplished through random acts of kindness and by learning to serve or minister to them. This reminds me of a scripture in 1 Ne 16:29, which states “And thus we see that by small means, the Lord can bring about great things.”[4] You never know the kind of influence you can have on someone until you try to serve or love others.  Bruce C. Hafen give us this example and explains, “The story of Adam and Eve is the pattern for our own marriages, our lives, and the personal meaning of the Atonement.  The story of Christ’s life is the story of giving the Atonement.  But the life story of Adam and Eve is the story of receiving the Atonement.”[5] Since all of us are imperfect, our Heavenly Father has given us a Savior to help us overcome and to strive to become more like Him. By becoming more like him, we can have a successful marriage.

References:

[1]Gottman, John M. and Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Published in the United States by Harmony Books

[2] The American Heritage College Dictionary (2002) (4^th ed.) Houghton Mifflin Company. Boston, New York

[3] Hinckley, Gordon B. retrieved from: https://www.lds.org/study/manual/marriage-and-family-relations-instructors-manual/part-a-strengthening-marriages/lesson-5-responding-to-challenges-through-positive-communication?lang=eng&clang=ara

[4]1 Nephi 16:29

[5]Hafen, Bruce C. (2012) Covenant Hearts. Deseret Book Company. Retrieved from: BYUI faml300_document_hafenPoemEveFullChapterAccessible%20(1).pdf

M. Scott Peck said, “One result of the mysterious nature of love is that no one has ever, to my knowledge, arrived at a truly satisfactory definition of love. In an effort to explain it, therefore, love has been divided into various categories: eros, philia, agape; perfect love and imperfect love, and so on. I am presuming, however, to give a single definition of love, again with the awareness that it is likely to be in some way or ways inadequate. I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” (The Road Less Travelled, 1978, p. 81)

“Marriage is perhaps the most vital of all the decisions and has the most far-reaching effects, for it has to do not only with immediate happiness, but eternal joy as well. It affects not only the two people involved, but their families and particularly their children and their children’s children down through the many generations.” (Spencer W. Kimball, 1976, Marriage and Divorce, 2)

In Mosiah 3 :19 it states, “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticing of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

            In overcoming the natural man, one needs to repent of their imperfections. None of us are perfect, therefore, we each have things we need to improve upon. The biggest step may be to realize your need to change your behavior and wanting something better.  I don’t think anyone wants to be in bondage, or feel that there is no hope for improvement.  By becoming meek, humble, and submissive we become teachable and can learn through the spirit how we might progress in this life.  Marriage has its ups and downs.  Marriage is not a state of perfection, but something that couples work on constantly to grow closer to each other. I am confidant to say that each marriage will have different trials or challenges. Some challenges we have had to deal with over the years have been moving.  Sometimes this required kids to have to change schools, which makes it more stressful for the kids on top of having to make new friends.  There were times when my husband was deploying to locations far away, and the family did not get to travel with him.  This put a lot of responsibility on my shoulders.  Luckily, we had a strong family and neighborhood that supported us in times of need. How we deal with these trials or challenges is the key.  Elder Joseph Wirthlin (2007) explains “the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness and caring,”[1] we extend to others.  I loved the example Elder Wirthlin shared of an older couple where the husband wanted to do something nice for his wife.  She was no longer able to care for herself, so he would paint her fingernails for her. This was something that his wife really enjoyed.  It wasn’t a big task or something extravagant.  It was just a small act of kindness.  Elder Wirthlin said, “True love lasts forever.  It is eternally patient and forgiving.  It believes, hopes, and endures all things.  This is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us.”[1] If we strive to put off the natural man, and become like Him, we can emulate this kind of love in our marriages and families.

            I have learned that there has to be give and take in a marriage.  I am not always right.   Sometimes I have to take steps to repair the negative conversations that we have together.  In order to repair the negative, I need to apologize and find ways to express my appreciation for all that my husband does for me and our family.  I have learned that it is easier to love, if you can give up your selfish desires and strive to become a unit, with both husband and wife working together to become one. I also have to agree with Dr. Gottman, as I have read his book and try to apply principles in my marriage to make it a stronger. Dr. Gottman says, “that the key to a happy marriage is friendship.”[2]  How profound is this?  I do believe that I married my best friend.  Marriage has its ups and down, meaning there are challenges every day you will need to face.  If you put forth the effort, and continue to try to become like our Savior, you marriage will be strengthened and it can last forever!

References:

1-Wirthlin, Joseph B. (2007). Retrieved from: https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vRl0Y5eE1B1aS38KR3aPQ3gqfBlOC0emEI5cHeN21j59KzrTdLom4zRelXmLcy8YK1NvBBpkAbF5136/pub

2-Gottman, John M. and Silver, Nan. (1999,2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Published in the United States by Harmony Books.

            What is our Father’s plan?  Why is it important?  What does it have to do with marriage and family?  

As David A. Bednar so eloquently explained, “The Father’s plan is designed to provide direction for His children, to help them become happy, and to bring them safely home to Him.”[1] We were super excited about this plan in the pre-existence.  We would all receive a body and have the opportunity to come to Earth.  We knew that this trip into mortality would be difficult.  We knew there would be trials and challenges, but we were excited and ready for the chance of a life time.  Satan was also coming to Earth, except under different circumstances.  David A. Bednar continues, “Satan does not have a body, he cannot marry, and he will not have a family.  And he persistently strives to confuse the divinely appointed purposes of gender, marriage, and family.”[1] Satan’s goal is to keep us confused, so that we are unhappy and miserable like he is.  Because we are loved by our heavenly parents, Heavenly Father has given us a prophet to lead and guide us here on Earth.  Some council we have been given by the prophet is in the document, The Family: A Proclamation to the World, which states: “The family is ordained of God.  Marriage between and man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.  Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.  Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.”[2] As we learn to implement these principles into our daily lives, they will provide us with a protection against the adversary. On the other hand, if we do nothing with these principles, they will not benefit us.

            Bruce C. Hafen explains, “Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will.”[3] A covenant marriage is plain and simple, both man and woman promise to each other and with God that they will keep the commandments and be true to each other in all aspects of their life.  A contractual marriage between man and woman is where the marriage can be changed or cancelled at time by means of a divorce.   Bruce C. Hafen continues, “But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”[3] Brother Hafen continues to talk about how every marriage will be tested so it will be up to the individuals to give it their best in order for it to be a successful, happy marriage.

            One way Hafen explains that marriage will be tested is by excessive individualism.  He continues by saying: “The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it. Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone. Some people believe him—and then they wonder why they feel left alone.”[3] Satan is ready and waiting for any chance he can get to weave his way into our lives.  He want us to get discouraged and ready to give up.  He likes it when we argue or fight.  He wants us to wander on social media sites and waste our time viewing material that is of no worth.  He wants us to spend time relaxing playing mindless games on the Internet or gaming and just get away from all of our stress.  If we start to give up, we are more vulnerable to the enticing’s of Satan. We must always remember that these trials are part of mortality, and part of the test to see if we will remain faithful and be willing to follow our Father’s plan.  We must come out on top.  We must force ourselves to be strong, uniting together and with God to be able to prevent temptation to enter our lives. 

            I believe that once you enter into a marriage, it is not all about yourself, but instead it involves both husband and wife who constantly work together.  Bruce C. Hafen explains, “Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. Then they will discover what Alma called “incomprehensible joy.”[3] I know that as I sacrifice something I want to do, and instead unite with my husband to do something together, it is much more fun and exciting, and we grow closer together as a couple. This doesn’t have to be something fun. It can be a hard job that you work together on, but if you unite, it makes it more enjoyable.  It also provides ways to communicate and show your appreciation for each other. This brings joy and happiness to me.

References:

1 Bednar, David A. (2006) Marriage is Essential To His Eternal Plan. Ensign. (June 2006) 82-87.

2  The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1995) The Family: A Proclamation To the World.

3 Hafen, Bruce C. (1996) Covenant Marriage. Ensign. (November 1996) 26.

I really enjoyed reading the Obergefell v. Hodges case in our reading this week.  It opened my eyes to see how things can get complicated very quickly as the law begins to be conformed to the traditions in today’s society. In the text of this case, Obergefell v. Hodges is this quote: “Far from seeking to devalue marriage, the petitioners seek it for themselves because of their respect—and need—for its privileges and responsibilities.  And their immutable nature dictates that same-sex marriage is their only real path to this profound commitment.”[1] My understanding from reading the proceeding of this case, is that those seeking the legalization of same-sex marriage do not want to devalue marriage, however, by legalizing same-sex marriage they are doing just that. Just by altering or changing these little words between “man and woman” now will include between “two women” or “two men.”  From this stems the controversy in how marriage is defined in society today.  From the beginning of time, marriage was and has always been between a man and a woman. This was all part of Heavenly Father’s plan.  Couples want the privileges that other traditional couples have as a result of marriage. They want the closeness, the respect and the companionship of having a family.  They also see the importance of rearing children as a family. The family is also being compromised as to what constitutes a family unit, if there is not both a father and a mother.

Russell M. Nelson (2014) said, “God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!”[2] Today we are being asked to be defenders of marriage.  So what does this mean?  To me, marriage means a union of two people, male and female, who come together by means of legal marriage to love and cherish each other in good times and in bad times.  Marriage is the first step taken to prepare for establishing a family here on Earth.  A defender is one who stands up for that which he believes. 

References:

1 https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf

2 https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/russell-m-nelson_disciples-jesus-christ-defenders-of-marriage/

“The greatest guardians of any and all virtues are marriage and family. This is particularly the case with the virtues of chastity and fidelity in marriage, both of which are required to create enduring and fully rewarding marriage partnerships and family relationships. Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad.” Russell M. Nelson
https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/russell-m-nelson_disciples-jesus-christ-defenders-of-marriage/

I absolutely love this quote from Russell M. Nelson. In this quote, it explains the importance of marriage between a man and a woman, and the characteristics and qualities both bring into the relationship. As husband and wife are united through marriage, a family is established. When children enter the family, fathers and mothers are both needed as they work together to nurture, love and teach their children. I feel that today, more than ever before, the world is attempting to alter the concept of marriage between a man and a woman. Is there anything we can do to help?

YES, we can be defenders of marriage. We can stand up for what we know to be true by teaching, uplighting and helping others value marriage as a sacred union between husband and wife.